Tag Archives: emotions

Red Bargain: Onwards?

So, over the past several months I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with my life.. about what I can do with my life.  To be honest, part of me would love to be able to go and get a job and just work like a normal person.  But I’m not a normal person.

My depression has worsened over recent weeks, leading to me feeling like I’m at a bit of an impasse.  I know I want to write.  To be a writer.  That is at least a start.

Book I of my ‘fantasy epic’ is at draft stages, and I’m working through it to try and get it publishable.. I’m just a little unsure what to do then.  I am strongly considering the idea of self-publishing, possibly by using a Kickstarter to raise funds for promotion and for people to do general pre-ordering type stuff.  My thoughts here are still in their early stages

The Harbinger Rises, Book I of the Red Bargain

The Harbinger Rises, Book I of the Red Bargain

Heh, it almost looks attainable when I make a picture like that.

So.. now what?

My fantasy novel, which is now renamed “The Harbinger Rises” – Book I of The Red Bargain has now been completed.  Or at least, the first draft has been. 116265 words including the glossary, which is about at the level I expected it / planned it to be.

So; now I need to get a printout so that the friend who’s agreed to do a readthrough can do so, and I need to go through it myself and edit it; I am n ot wholly sure what to look for and what to do but I suppose I can find guides online.  Part of me can’t help thinking to myself.. now what? :-S

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Medication is apparently a perfectly viable way to treat depression and anxiety, provided it is accompanied by appropriate therapy…

It wasn’t long after this current episode of psychological issues began that I was advised that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be helpful to me.  Unfortunatly though it was close to four months between my first visit to a GP and my referral to a CBT counsellor actually completing.  During this time I was visiting my GP and a mental health nurse regularly, but the lack of any actual coherant counselling regimen was, I think, noticeable.

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Opening My Mind

One of my main goals with writing a blog detailing my struggles with both writing and depression was to document my progress in both so that maybe others might gain insight from my journey.  However, I’ve been a little too apprehensive to make my thoughts and feelings public.. but then I realised it wasn’t actually serving its purpose.. so.. I was conflicted

In the end I’ve decided to make my blog open to people to view, and hope some folks will find some of what I’ve written here instructive, or at least if I don’t serve as an example to others I might at least serve as a warning.


I worry sometimes whether I’m deluding myself. These are often my darkest moments, when the muse has gone quiet and I’m sitting with a notebook or an app of some sort in front of me, and the thought presents itself: “I’m not actually any good at any of this”.

At these points I start to doubt my abilities, and begin to believe – and I’m having to tell myself now that this belief is in spite of evidence to the contrary – that I am simply not cut out for anything other than what I am right now.