So, I’m still here, still out of work, still trying to Make Good Art* and keep myself alive
Working on writing things is becoming increasingly difficult, as my depression has caused motivation to be very hard to come by. I stare at a blank canvas and nothing seems to flow.
I am trying to continue to be positive, making little dumb animations – made from CG cardboard for a reason I can’t quite recall but hell, doing something stylistic is reason enough sometimes. I’ve also tried putting my opinion out there a bit in a pixel-art inspired video too.
And yet, I feel like I’m falling at times, like I’m scrabbling up a cliff-face made of loose shale, cutting at my fingers and knees and only succeeding at slipping ever backwards. I try to get people interested but it doesn’t seem to happen, engagement seems always to be so low; I feel disheartened.
There’s no positive twist to this blog post unfortunately; I can do nothing more than explain my feelings and thoughts and then I feel as though nothing more can be done.
I admit, I am quite new to this whole social media promotion thing and am struggling to know how to get more people interested. Any real meaningful word of mouth or “going viral” all seems very far from what I am capable of, and all the while is the ever-present doubt, and the feeling that I may be struggling in this area simply because I am actually just.. well, shit.
Oh, and for those who missed it, here’s the first Cardboard Theatre video:
My fantasy novel, which is now renamed “The Harbinger Rises” – Book I of The Red Bargain has now been completed. Or at least, the first draft has been. 116265 words including the glossary, which is about at the level I expected it / planned it to be.
So; now I need to get a printout so that the friend who’s agreed to do a readthrough can do so, and I need to go through it myself and edit it; I am n ot wholly sure what to look for and what to do but I suppose I can find guides online. Part of me can’t help thinking to myself.. now what?
So, the time came and we all gathered together and headed out while wearing our Lair of the Nerd shirts to try and get some publicity going.
I’ve realised recently that I have trouble with attention; I am much more likely to hide than to allow myself to shine, in part because I fear things going wrong and in part because I just can’t bear the attention. How much of a factor that is with regards my depression, I do not know, it’s something to continue thinking about.
Medication is apparently a perfectly viable way to treat depression and anxiety, provided it is accompanied by appropriate therapy…
It wasn’t long after this current episode of psychological issues began that I was advised that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be helpful to me. Unfortunatly though it was close to four months between my first visit to a GP and my referral to a CBT counsellor actually completing. During this time I was visiting my GP and a mental health nurse regularly, but the lack of any actual coherant counselling regimen was, I think, noticeable.
Yesterday was interesting, and I pushed myself a little further than my mental state usually has allowed me to recently, and yet I came out relatively unscathed, which is good.
I often come across as being somewhat introverted, particularly when I’m presented with an unfamiliar situation or new people, however that’s all a false impression – I’m not actually; I actually thrive in circumstances where I need to be more outgoing. What I actually am is thoughtful and anxious, and like to plan my actions ahead, more impulsive and less thoughtful people oftentimes mistake that as being introverted.
One of my main goals with writing a blog detailing my struggles with both writing and depression was to document my progress in both so that maybe others might gain insight from my journey. However, I’ve been a little too apprehensive to make my thoughts and feelings public.. but then I realised it wasn’t actually serving its purpose.. so.. I was conflicted
In the end I’ve decided to make my blog open to people to view, and hope some folks will find some of what I’ve written here instructive, or at least if I don’t serve as an example to others I might at least serve as a warning.
Allowing myself to be depressed is one of the first real breakthroughs I feel like I have had, despite it not sounding like one, but I’ll explain.
Guilt has often been one of my real issues. Guilt at not being ‘ok’, guilt at not being ‘normal’, at not being capable of work at the moment. I’ve spent so much of the time kicking myself while I’ve been down that I’ve failed to notice how down that has made me, and I’ve failed to deal with the real problems.
I sometimes wish I didn’t worry and think about things like “the future” so much, but such is the nature of this tangled mind of mine. I sit, I ponder, and my mind seems determined to focus on the things that I have no control over, and determined not to accept them.