So, over the past several months I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with my life.. about what I can do with my life. To be honest, part of me would love to be able to go and get a job and just work like a normal person. But I’m not a normal person.
My depression has worsened over recent weeks, leading to me feeling like I’m at a bit of an impasse. I know I want to write. To be a writer. That is at least a start.
Book I of my ‘fantasy epic’ is at draft stages, and I’m working through it to try and get it publishable.. I’m just a little unsure what to do then. I am strongly considering the idea of self-publishing, possibly by using a Kickstarter to raise funds for promotion and for people to do general pre-ordering type stuff. My thoughts here are still in their early stages
The Harbinger Rises, Book I of the Red Bargain
Heh, it almost looks attainable when I make a picture like that.
So, I’m still here, still out of work, still trying to Make Good Art* and keep myself alive
Working on writing things is becoming increasingly difficult, as my depression has caused motivation to be very hard to come by. I stare at a blank canvas and nothing seems to flow.
I am trying to continue to be positive, making little dumb animations – made from CG cardboard for a reason I can’t quite recall but hell, doing something stylistic is reason enough sometimes. I’ve also tried putting my opinion out there a bit in a pixel-art inspired video too.
And yet, I feel like I’m falling at times, like I’m scrabbling up a cliff-face made of loose shale, cutting at my fingers and knees and only succeeding at slipping ever backwards. I try to get people interested but it doesn’t seem to happen, engagement seems always to be so low; I feel disheartened.
There’s no positive twist to this blog post unfortunately; I can do nothing more than explain my feelings and thoughts and then I feel as though nothing more can be done.
I admit, I am quite new to this whole social media promotion thing and am struggling to know how to get more people interested. Any real meaningful word of mouth or “going viral” all seems very far from what I am capable of, and all the while is the ever-present doubt, and the feeling that I may be struggling in this area simply because I am actually just.. well, shit.
Oh, and for those who missed it, here’s the first Cardboard Theatre video:
So, the time came and we all gathered together and headed out while wearing our Lair of the Nerd shirts to try and get some publicity going.
I’ve realised recently that I have trouble with attention; I am much more likely to hide than to allow myself to shine, in part because I fear things going wrong and in part because I just can’t bear the attention. How much of a factor that is with regards my depression, I do not know, it’s something to continue thinking about.
Medication is apparently a perfectly viable way to treat depression and anxiety, provided it is accompanied by appropriate therapy…
It wasn’t long after this current episode of psychological issues began that I was advised that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be helpful to me. Unfortunatly though it was close to four months between my first visit to a GP and my referral to a CBT counsellor actually completing. During this time I was visiting my GP and a mental health nurse regularly, but the lack of any actual coherant counselling regimen was, I think, noticeable.
One of my main goals with writing a blog detailing my struggles with both writing and depression was to document my progress in both so that maybe others might gain insight from my journey. However, I’ve been a little too apprehensive to make my thoughts and feelings public.. but then I realised it wasn’t actually serving its purpose.. so.. I was conflicted
In the end I’ve decided to make my blog open to people to view, and hope some folks will find some of what I’ve written here instructive, or at least if I don’t serve as an example to others I might at least serve as a warning.
Allowing myself to be depressed is one of the first real breakthroughs I feel like I have had, despite it not sounding like one, but I’ll explain.
Guilt has often been one of my real issues. Guilt at not being ‘ok’, guilt at not being ‘normal’, at not being capable of work at the moment. I’ve spent so much of the time kicking myself while I’ve been down that I’ve failed to notice how down that has made me, and I’ve failed to deal with the real problems.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a method for treatment of mental health disorders such as depression and anxiety. I’ve been waiting for my referral to a CBT counsellor for what feels like forever, with my GP changing me from drug to drug, increasing my dosage, all the while telling me that what she thinks I really need is CBT.
I worry sometimes whether I’m deluding myself. These are often my darkest moments, when the muse has gone quiet and I’m sitting with a notebook or an app of some sort in front of me, and the thought presents itself: “I’m not actually any good at any of this”.
At these points I start to doubt my abilities, and begin to believe – and I’m having to tell myself now that this belief is in spite of evidence to the contrary – that I am simply not cut out for anything other than what I am right now.
Suffering from Clinical Depression is a little bit like having a narrator with you commenting on your every mood, twisting and distorting the facts until they fit with what this narrator wants them to say, making everything bad, scary, or a source of guilt. Only the narrator is yourself, which makes realising when he’s wrong rather difficult.