Roses are red,
Music is cool,
I’ve got ADHD,
ooh look a squirrel.
I grew up as a hyperactive child before any real proper diagnosis of ADD was ever done, and managed to some extent with a restricted diet free of many of the stupider E numbers.
So perhaps it shouldn’t be surprising that I’ve struggled with focus for a long time, and perhaps not in ways that others might. My mind often flits from thing to thing before I’m finished with it… Sometimes it’s almost as if I fear finishing things, fear taking that step.
As I say, I’ve struggled with this issue for a while… So I’ve decided to see what happens if I stop struggling so much. Allow myself to drift from idea to idea, with the added proviso that I at least try to finish things when I can.
Perhaps it should be obvious that I often feel as though I have a bit if an identity crisis. I find it hard to categorise myself; am I an author, an artist, a designer, a web coder, a video game maker, or… What?
Perhaps, for now, I’ll content myself with calling me a nerd.
So, over the past several months I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with my life.. about what I can do with my life. To be honest, part of me would love to be able to go and get a job and just work like a normal person. But I’m not a normal person.
My depression has worsened over recent weeks, leading to me feeling like I’m at a bit of an impasse. I know I want to write. To be a writer. That is at least a start.
Book I of my ‘fantasy epic’ is at draft stages, and I’m working through it to try and get it publishable.. I’m just a little unsure what to do then. I am strongly considering the idea of self-publishing, possibly by using a Kickstarter to raise funds for promotion and for people to do general pre-ordering type stuff. My thoughts here are still in their early stages
The Harbinger Rises, Book I of the Red Bargain
Heh, it almost looks attainable when I make a picture like that.
So, I’m still here, still out of work, still trying to Make Good Art* and keep myself alive
Working on writing things is becoming increasingly difficult, as my depression has caused motivation to be very hard to come by. I stare at a blank canvas and nothing seems to flow.
I am trying to continue to be positive, making little dumb animations – made from CG cardboard for a reason I can’t quite recall but hell, doing something stylistic is reason enough sometimes. I’ve also tried putting my opinion out there a bit in a pixel-art inspired video too.
And yet, I feel like I’m falling at times, like I’m scrabbling up a cliff-face made of loose shale, cutting at my fingers and knees and only succeeding at slipping ever backwards. I try to get people interested but it doesn’t seem to happen, engagement seems always to be so low; I feel disheartened.
There’s no positive twist to this blog post unfortunately; I can do nothing more than explain my feelings and thoughts and then I feel as though nothing more can be done.
So, I spent a while making an autobiographical post for my IndieGoGo campaign, and decided the best form for it would be a video.
At first I considered a blog video style post of me looking straight at camera, but I was too worried about my appearance to do that, so I filmed my cat, and a few other things and threw a not-particularly-fantastic video together.
It’s brutally personal though. I’m not normally this forthright about my depression because I worry so much of the time that people will view it as a weakness, but in the end I decided that the IndieGoGo thing is all about people believing in me, even if at times I don’t really feel that I’m worth believing in.
So, the time came and we all gathered together and headed out while wearing our Lair of the Nerd shirts to try and get some publicity going.
I’ve realised recently that I have trouble with attention; I am much more likely to hide than to allow myself to shine, in part because I fear things going wrong and in part because I just can’t bear the attention. How much of a factor that is with regards my depression, I do not know, it’s something to continue thinking about.
Medication is apparently a perfectly viable way to treat depression and anxiety, provided it is accompanied by appropriate therapy…
It wasn’t long after this current episode of psychological issues began that I was advised that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy may be helpful to me. Unfortunatly though it was close to four months between my first visit to a GP and my referral to a CBT counsellor actually completing. During this time I was visiting my GP and a mental health nurse regularly, but the lack of any actual coherant counselling regimen was, I think, noticeable.
Authors need to read. Learning by example is one of the most fundamental and seemingly obvious pieces of advice anyone can give an aspiring author like myself, for a huge number of reasons.
In a previous post I explored a few of my writing heroes, but a list of favourite writers, like a list of favourite books or films is never truly exhaustive, and so I figured I’d pick up that thread and continue running with it, like a deranged kitten of some sort.
One of my main goals with writing a blog detailing my struggles with both writing and depression was to document my progress in both so that maybe others might gain insight from my journey. However, I’ve been a little too apprehensive to make my thoughts and feelings public.. but then I realised it wasn’t actually serving its purpose.. so.. I was conflicted
In the end I’ve decided to make my blog open to people to view, and hope some folks will find some of what I’ve written here instructive, or at least if I don’t serve as an example to others I might at least serve as a warning.
Allowing myself to be depressed is one of the first real breakthroughs I feel like I have had, despite it not sounding like one, but I’ll explain.
Guilt has often been one of my real issues. Guilt at not being ‘ok’, guilt at not being ‘normal’, at not being capable of work at the moment. I’ve spent so much of the time kicking myself while I’ve been down that I’ve failed to notice how down that has made me, and I’ve failed to deal with the real problems.
I sometimes wish I didn’t worry and think about things like “the future” so much, but such is the nature of this tangled mind of mine. I sit, I ponder, and my mind seems determined to focus on the things that I have no control over, and determined not to accept them.